The Silliest Things

2011-04-25T21:09:00.000+08:00

I'll have you (and myself) know that I'm not a superhero. I'm not superwoman.

I'm fully human.

And though I have God, I still have my flaws.

I still make mistakes, and God does consistently challenge me.

Today was just one of these mistakes.

I can't be perfect all the time.

And I'm sure you very well know that work doesn't always guarantee success.

And success doesn't really have to mean work.

This is just how life goes,

and this thing,

this insignificant little thing-

it doesn't matter.

Not one bit.

Fretting about it won't help,

and neither will feeling guilty.

Or binging.

I can't let myself do this.

I won't.

Relax.

2011-03-06T21:31:00.000+08:00

In the darkness,

and triumph,

my soul shall sing

of His mercy

and kindness.

Our offering of praise.

Our God never fails.

2011-02-01T19:41:00.003+08:00

I love math.

I love trigonometry.

I especially love trigonometry two.

This

2011-01-27T20:42:00.000+08:00

I need something to make me feel good.
Or better, I'll even take better.
I need something to make me feel anything but this.
I need someone who understands.
I need someone who know when it doesn't feel right,
and pays attention
to everything I have to say,
and everything that I don't do.

I need to write it out,
and if I could, I would write a song.
But even poems are a long shot right now,
given my rusty brain.

I should have known something like this would have happened.
I was just trying to make something out of nothing,
and all it got me was
this.

I know that this is all going to pass.
At least in my brain I know it.
But the thing is,
it doesn't feel like it's going to.
It doesn't feel like anything but shit right now.
And, I'm probably taking myself too seriously,
but I guess that's just how I do things,
and I don't know
know
any other alternative.

This,
amongst the immense mess/mass of everything,
renders insignificant.
But this
this
is overwhelming my everything.
Everything.

I don't know what to do,
but just
please,
please, make it go away.

2011-01-06T16:12:00.000+08:00

"Sometimes a flat-footed sentence is what serves, so you don’t get all writerly: 'He opened the door.' There, it’s open." ~Amy Hempel

I had better start writing again, lest I get all clogged up in my mind when it comes down to something actually important. And the thing is, I should really learn how to adapt my whimsical writing style to different types of essays. I'm not one whom you might typically call 'straight-to-the-point'. Consequentially, this bad habit of mine, consisting of not talking about anything really, might just involuntarily lead me to not getting to any point at all. And that is the real problem, isn't it?

I've got to say, it's perhaps slightly frightening to post something on the internet when you know that whoever that reads your work is most probably going to understand what you're saying, and not read the first sentence and then drop it. I'm hesitant and I guess embarrassed at my horrible sentence structure and command of English. It's not up to my usual standards, I'm absolutely aware of that and I guess it's not going to change overnight, especially not since I lazed off the last few months.

Another thing is that I guess I've to get over my writer's block and though some topics might seem awfully boring and uninteresting to read and to write, but I guess I've to suck it up.

I should really cut my sentences.

I would like to upgrade my writing style to one of a more sophisticated aura.

But I guess what I write is what I read, and I seldom, very seldom read anything anymore.

I should really try to improve my intellect more.

School barely just started and everyone is fired up to go, geared towards the inevitable exams at the end of the year. I don't know what to do sometimes. I get lost amongst the tests and the concepts taught. I do understand them and all, but there's that thing, that bullet-proof wall inside me that makes me hesitate when I know what I should actually be doing.

Life should be more than cooping yourself up and cramming for the exams.

Life is more than those meager marks and insignificant results that you waste your youth away for.

I know I don't know all that much, and I'm not all that wise, but the one thing I'm sure of is that I know I'm not going to find myself confined to my results for satisfaction.

I have a life to live.

two0eleven

2011-01-02T22:23:00.000+08:00

I don't know how long it's been since I've posted.
And I doubt anyone ever reads this shit anymore.
But honestly, it doesn't really matter to me either way.
It's time to do my yearly new year resolutions!

In order of importance:

#1 Don't be afraid.
2011 is going to be filled with a never ending supply of challenges. I pray in that in all things, I'll remember 2 Timothy 1:7, For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. I won't let my stupid fears and insecurities get the better of me, and I really truly mean it this time. I have great faith that God has to much in store for me this year, and I want to see how much I can do. I want to make Him happy. God, I hope I make you happy.

#2 Remember God.
He is my rock when I'm all up in my head, thinking it's all me.
He is my encourager, if my past condition relapses and I go back to my past.
There's just too much and I don't know how to say it all, 'cause I haven't yet experienced it first hand just yet.

#3 Save money
This is for practical reasons.

Hope that at the end of 2011, I'll look back and realize these resolutions.

2010-12-06T23:44:00.000+08:00

I'm scared.
I don't really know what I'm scared of,
since I have a tendency to
disguise it under something else.
but you know what,
2 Timothy 1:6-7
God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

For He is exalted.
I love Him
so
so much.
And I realize I shouldn't be scared.
I couldn't write it,
cause I guess I knew,
deep deep down
that I wasn't done with it yet.

Give all the honour.
It;s no use trying to force the feeling out
cause at some point
eventually,
you'll realize that
it's never going to come out
if it was never there in the first place.

Don't go expecting the high
cause then you'll get distracted by the low.

MAJESTY

2010-12-05T23:50:00.001+08:00

And He shall reign forever

I've changed. And I know it. Deep within me.
I won't say I don't know what happened, cause I do.
I know what happened.
And it's scaring the ever controlling shit out of me.
So much that I feel numb.

I need You.
And I want it so
so
so bad.

2010-12-01T23:19:00.000+08:00

2010-11-10T01:13:00.001+08:00

“You don’t have a Soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” - C.S Lewis

The body is only temporary, it lasts for a while and then it decays. But the soul lives forever. Your soul is what defines you. It consists of every single action, journey, experience, memory and emotion that you’ve ever obtained. Don’t worry about people who only see your body. You are more than what you see. It is the people who stay with you that discover what you are. You are a soul. You are more than what you will ever think of yourself. You can do anything through God. The body is only a carapace. It is your soul that should extend into everything that this world is. Not your appearance. Not your body.

I don't know anything anymore.
I don't feel like I know anything anymore.
I can't write anything.
I can't say anything.
And I..
It's way too overwhelming.

I like to pretend.
Pretend that nothing really matters
when they really do.
And that all that responsibility is not scaring
me.
That I'm not too young, and
the rest of 'em
have faith in
me.
Which is probably
not
true.

2010-10-27T23:06:00.000+08:00

So don't you worry your pretty little mind

People throw rocks at things that shine

And life makes love look hard

You feel happy.
You feel an overwhelming sense of satisfaction when you finally, finally complete something you've been working towards for a really long time has finally been completed, and successful.
Thing is, there is always something more, something else.
And I don't know nothing anymore.
Staying grounded is not something one-off, where you can just decide to one day then forget about it the next.
You have to remember it,
even when things go rough, go tough.
And it's hard to take.
HARD TO TAKE.

I honestly get scared out of my mind sometimes,
that all of this is meaningless
and I might very well be losing my grip on what is truly important.
I don't know if I'm dry or if I'm just being paranoid,
but the thing is,
all this might as well amount to nothing.

I got it.
When you let go,
when you finally let go.
Everything that you don't hold dear,
you will have
in the most wonderful way possible.
The more you want something,
the more significant it is in your life (I'm talking about materistic things here)
the less of it you will get.

Just learn to let go,
cause my abba father up there will take care of it for me.
And I needn't worry so much.

I honestly don't know what is seriously wrong with me.
I need some refreshment.
I need alot of rest.
I need to seek Him in every way possible.
God, I do hope that you use me.

Reliant. I'm YOURS.

2010-10-24T20:55:00.001+08:00

I hope so.

'Cause all I ever wanted to be was fifteen.

2010-10-24T17:04:00.002+08:00

2010-10-24T16:55:00.000+08:00

Thank you for working hard.

2010-10-22T20:43:00.000+08:00

I don't know what's the point anymore.
You don't seem to care much anyways.
You don't seem to care anymore.
You don't seem to care at all.
I don't know whether to drop it, and let it slide
like I've always done,
Or to finally stand up to you
and make you finally realize your place.
Dumbledore once said,
It takes alot of courage to stand up to your enemies
But it takes even more courage to stand up to your friends.
What does that make me,
when I stood up to you?

And if there ever was a day
when you come to the realisation what I did for you.
I hope you don't feel guilty.
I hope you don't regret treating me like this.
I hope you just walk away.
Because that's who you are.
That. Is. Who. You. Are.

You could never really tell
if I was upset.
I'm not that good an actress.
Not really.
But you were always that
arrogant.
Not oblivious,
but blimey!
You couldn't feel
compassion
for nuts.

I'm not trying to be humorous.
No.
No.
No.
And I'm sick of trying to humour you.

I'd try to write something here.
But I can't.
I just can't.
I can't face it.

2010-10-21T23:21:00.000+08:00

Maybe I should get a tumblr.
But maybe I should just stick to the starbucks one.

2010-10-17T19:34:00.004+08:00

I don't really have much to say, so I might just ramble on here. Might even ecentually get to something deep and important.
At NUSS graduate club now, waiting for my parents to finish the gym and the jackpot machine.
Long hiatus with crappy posts that didn't at all satisfy WanZhen. But I'm back. For now.
With the end years over and everything, I did something I'd never thought I would do. I gave into the overwhelming lethargy that follows me everyday Sunday after church and took a comforting nap.
Now, the thing is, taking a nap shouldn't be that big a deal. I was kind of forced to take them after school everyday in primary school I think. But I never could. Always seemed to have enough energy to last me through the day. But now, face it, naps are a luxury.
The strange thing about it is, forcing yourself out of the sleepy, nappy mode doesn't work out so well for me, just like when I wanted to play when I was younger but I had to take a nap. (I always just pretended and lay down on my bed until I got bored and then pretended to wake up.)
And if one the off chance that I do succumb to sleep, I won't really feel all that energized either, 'cause according to dad, taking naps make you sleepier. Applies sometimes.
But what can you do really? When all you want to do is sleep, you head swells and hurts, and your eyes droop.
(On a sidenote, I've realized now how not writing anything for quite sometime can really take a toll on my ability to express myself and the fluency of my thought.)
And I think to myself now, did I really get anything fruitful out of the moments forcing myself to study when my body is clearly telling me otherwise? Was it all worth it?
Had everything gone to waste?
And now, I know the answer.
The answer is not really an answer. Look at my reasoning, nothing really goes to waste. You made a mistake, try again, the time spent on the mistake you made isn't really wasted, it's just invested on your future success.
The amount of time you planned to do something, but you didn't really manage to accomplish it, isn't really wasted, it's just used for other purposes that wasn't it's initial purpose.
(Hold on, I know this sounds cliche, but it's not. I'm talking about soemthing completely different. It's not about the mistakes-are-just-steps-to-success topic)
I just want others to know this starkingly true revelation that our time isn't wasted here on earth. Sometimes it might not be used the way we planned it to be, but there's honestly no need to be guilty about taking a nap for the afternoon even though there's a bunch of homework and tests piled up. Because that is treating your body well and nothing can beat that (except God, 'cause God is the best, but I'm going off topic).
Just take a nap if you want to, and watch television if you want to.
If you feel like doing it, just do it.
It's your life, not the school's, not others', it's YOURS.
Submit only to God, and no one else.
Just keep yourself in check, and know when to draw the line between balance and just plain lazy.
If you gotta work, work.
But don't feel guilty if you don't.

leaving with a quote.
seems very true.
read it from Cheryl's tumblr.
'You're letting her think she has a chance.And there's nothing worse in the world than think you have a chance when you really don't.' -Unknown

2010-10-14T18:15:00.000+08:00

But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night,

Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,

2010-09-19T20:17:00.000+08:00

This is officially my favourite chapter:

1 Corinthians 13

Love

1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I am Yours, and Jesus You are mine.

2010-09-11T17:08:00.000+08:00

YES,
YES!
THIS is what I've thought about.

#70

you shouldn't have

2010-09-09T21:48:00.000+08:00

mattered (to me).

Wanting just to be with you.

2010-09-05T20:47:00.000+08:00

You,
Me,
We are face to face
But we don't see eye to eye

69)

2010-08-21T12:26:00.000+08:00

I'm numbering my quotes:
1)Oh, kiss me. What I want more than anything else in the owrld is for you to kiss me. Kiss me on the rainiest day of the year, and tell me you love me.
2)"the worst way to miss a person is when they are sitting right next to you and you know you can't have them..."
3)IMITATION IS THE BEST FORM OF FLATTERY.
4)"I don't need to be everything to everyone, but I want to be something to someone."
5)"Sometimes I walk a little faster in the school hallway just to get next to you.
Some days I spend a little more time in the morning just to impress you."
6)"Five years later and your mother still thinks we're just friends."
7)"Unrequited love was just a dress rehearsal."
8)"He's just a boy, and I'm just a girl, Can I make it anymore obvious?"
9)"BURKE AND HARE. WHAT A PAIR!"
10)"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
11)"And as he spoke, he spoke ordinary words, Although they did not feel, For I felt what I had not felt before"
12)"Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go!"
13)PERHAPS,PERHAPS
14)If you ever see me waiting to cross the street, you know that I want you to hold my hand.
15)I live by faith and not by sight.
16)With God all things are Possible. Matthew 19:26
17)你是不是认为你很委屈?
18)This alabaster jar is all I have of worth. I lay it at your feet LORD, it's less than you deserve.
19)It's not a dream if you're not woken. Don't wake me up.
20)“He then reminded me that if love is the goal, perfectionism is not an option. Failure is allowed and grace is given. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder that night and said, ‘Measure you life in love, son. That’s all we ask.’”
21)"A little pain lets you know your alive, We gotta live and love not just survive.
22)Hearts that don't love can't be broken, A dream stays a dream if not woken, If you never bleed then you won't understand, Come pick me red roses with your bare hands"
23)POPULAR! You're gonna be POPULAR!
24)Everyone who sees you, always wants to know you, and everyone who knows you always has a smile. Everyone calls you amazing, I just call you mine.
25)Everyone who sees you, always wants to know you, and everyone who knows you always has a smile. Everyone calls you amazing, I just call you mine.
26)A DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS
27)Do you know what insanity is? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
28)SWINGSWINGSWING from the tangles of, my heart is crushed by a former love
29)Me and you? We have common differences.
30)The past is only the future with the lights on.
31)I think we're almost LEGENDARY.
32)-just 'cause I die when you're gone
33)'Cause when the sky's darkest, You can see the stars, And when you fall the hardest,You find how strong you are
34)They recycled their paper,Their cans and their plastic,transforming old junk,into something fantastic!
35)And she was, happy.
36)All I ever wanted was to turn fifteen,\\
37)Give Us Clean Hands, Give Us Pure Hearts
38)COUNTING ON GOD
39)The rainbows in my die of the town are black and white.
40)Don't know much about your life, Don't know much about
your world.
41)Oh happy day, happy day, You wash my fears away.
42)So I've been thinking that, Maybe, baby. I've been going a little, crazy, lately.Yeah, whatcha gonna do.And Chelsea baby, I can't get you out of my head.
43)I'm no prince, I'm no saint, I am not anyone's wildest dream. But I can stand behind and be someone to fall back on.
44)Don't rain on my parade.
45)Take yourself out of the equation
46)Let me believe that you believe in me
47)oh I miss you, you know/I'm fine baby, how are
you.
48)My words are cold and flat and you deserve more that.
49)Life is like a carousel, sometimes you're up, and you hold on real tight and feel your hair fly in the wind, and sometimes you're down, and you brace yourself for what's coming next. But, all in all, you go round and round.
50)Something about the way, you look tonight. Something about the way that I, I can't
take my eyes off you.
51)Oh really?/yes really.
52)最初的天堂最重的荒唐
53)Time takes it all whether you want it to or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again.--Stephen King
54)我痛的瘋的傷的在你面前哭得最慘
55)A whole new world, A new fantastic point of view, No one to tell us no, Or where to go, Or say we're only dreaming
56)Once upon a time there was light in my life, Now there's only love in the dark
57)Earthquakes can't shake us, Cyclones can't break us, Hurricanes can't take away our love
58)Amongst the blooming lilies,the pastel yellow shone,the trepidation soothed-I was in love.
59)别害怕我爱你
60)If you ask me, I'm ready
61)My senses come alive,
62)他讓妳紅了眼眶妳卻還笑著原諒,原來妳早就想好妳要留在誰的身旁
63)我以為我能全力填滿妳感情的缺口
64)(I want the world to see) what you mean to mr
65)It's funny how someone can break your heart and you can still love them will all the little pieces.
66)Life is like photography, we use the negatives to develop.
67)Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot your revenge.
68)You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away.
You know where you hope this train will take you, but you can't be sure.
But it doesn't matter - because we'll be together.

2010-08-15T17:20:00.002+08:00

Never go to bed angry.
Stay awake and plot your revenge.

2010-08-14T16:36:00.002+08:00

Life is like photography,

we use the negatives to develop.

2010-08-14T16:20:00.000+08:00

It's funny how someone can break your heart and you can still love them will all the little pieces.

2010-08-14T16:18:00.001+08:00

I just want you to know who I am.

When you write (frequently enough), you will eventually realise that

a writer has to push herself.

I'm going to push myself.

It might not turn out to be the best of works

oh-who-am-I-kidding-my-works-aren't-ever-the-best,

but

It's worth a shot.

/OHWHOAMIKIDDING

/IT'SWORTHMUCHMORE

/MUCHMORE

/THANJUST

/a shot.

/IT'SWORTHEVERYTHING.

2010-08-13T21:39:00.000+08:00

I thought I'd start afresh.
I need a second chance.
Might not be so fast.
Or frequent for that matter.
But.

2010-06-15T12:25:00.000+08:00

他讓妳紅了眼眶妳卻還笑著原諒

原來妳早就想好妳要留在誰的身旁

It's today.
I'm not
feeling.
What I expected myself to feel.

Things don't always go as planned,
do they?

I might as well make the best of this.

我以為我能全力填滿妳感情的缺口

I want to write something.
It's been long since I wrote anything
good.
Or anything I was proud of.
Or anything at all.

I'm going to leave all my worries behind me,
and just go for it.

2010-06-12T18:26:00.000+08:00

(I want the world to see)
WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME

I tried to
deny you
but nothing ever made
me feel so wrong

I know that we got lost along the way.

Narrogin is a few days away.
I have so much things to do.
I need more time to relax.
I'm so
so
scared.

2010-06-06T19:58:00.001+08:00

A little bit before I go off tomorrow.
I'm quite excited, but something is missing.

I want it back.
I want that feeling I had two years ago,
BACK.

I don't know if I can ever get it back.
It was euphoric.
And something you don't get everyday.
It's a mix,
of risks, and stepping out in the unknown,
with someone you,
you,
you are awesome with.
Doesn't have to be particularly special.
Just special enough.
And at ease.

This year, so far,
has been really,
a test of, shall we say,
'social skills'.
Where you can't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone.
Where who you thought you were previously was redefined.
And, most of all, you realize that all that you thought you knew,
wasn't all.

You creep
up into a corner and think to yourself.
To 'self-motivate'-
things weren't going right.
I don't know
~~ANYTHING.~~

You have a renewed sense of
vulnerability.
And
-I must have been such a child-
this new things,
aren't easy to cope with.
To say the least.
I'm hesitant and regretful.

It was on a rainy day.

I just wanted to keep you from the cold.

Go slow.

But no.

2010-05-31T21:15:00.000+08:00

Finally finished the whole season three of Chuck.
I know WanZhen is really proud of herself
for catching up with me.
So, cool.

Came back from Secret Garden.
Was full of
unexpected things
and whatnot.
An experience, nevertheless.
There were some things that I wish I didn't do, though.

Then, there's church camp,
coming up.
I have no idea what in the world is going to happen.
And something is nagging at me.
I have a feeling I know what.

And after that,
there's the other trip.
Gosh.
Got to get loads of stuff done.
Cause I want to relax this season.

Let me breathe.

I ~~can't~~ seem to figure this out.

2010-05-14T23:25:00.000+08:00

If you ask me,
I'm ready.

Feel the lows before the ~~high.~~

I'm just about to-

2010-05-13T21:23:00.000+08:00

My senses come alive,

it all starts making sense.

I don't know what I've become.
Stupid, and you know what?
Crumbling down doesn't even
COVER it.
Maybe I need a break,
but I've taken too many breaks already.
And cuts, and scrapes, and bruises, and burns.
Stop it.

2010-05-04T19:35:00.000+08:00

I've got to admit,
I'm kinda a 'lil freaking out.
I don't know what
what has happened.
Or if I'm just being
stupidly paranoid.
But I want to have peace in my heart.

Standing out in the rain,
I need to know if it's over,
then I'll leave you alone.

I know it's impossible.
But I still hold on to the hope.
It's so wrong of me.

The NIGHT is coming up!

2010-05-01T23:11:00.000+08:00

I am so fascinated with the gymnastics and figure skating routines.

They are unbelieveable.

And gosh so amazing.

I can just imagine how much effort they put in for the olympics,

what I do for my exams or drama competitions don't even compare.

And when they step out of the boundaries, or drop something, or fall,

it feels like such a

waste.

But when they do a sucessful routine,

OH MY GOSH,

yeah.

I watch dance competitions and everything,

but it's just not the same.

It's not the olympics,

they falter, but don't fall,

I don't feel for them like I feel for the athletes competing in the olympics.

'Cause it's different.

And it's so much more.

I need so much more.

2010-04-30T20:47:00.000+08:00

You are
crap.
And I don't take what you dish out,
'cause you don't know me.

You see me,
but you ignore everything about me.
If you don't know anything,
why do you keep on talking?

I wish that you would stop everything.
Then, the world would be
perfect.

Just.

2010-04-30T20:31:00.000+08:00

I'm really excited for next week.
It's gonna be really very hectic.
And I'm probably going to be running all about.
Fretting. And everything.
But it's going to be all
SO WORTH IT.

I can't wait.
There are some things nagging at me at the back of my head, but I don't know.
It's fine, really.
I really do want it, but it's not for the right reasons.
But I want it just so so much.

I have to get my lines
DOWN AND SNAP
in one week.
And everything right.
But I know I can do this.

I need to work through all this.
But I'm excited.

2010-04-29T22:16:00.000+08:00

Time takes it all whether you want it to or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again.

--Stephen King

I didn't know Stephen King was that good. I've always seen his books, but never thought to actually pick them up for a read. And I could never write as well as him. Amongst all my crappy slip-short summaries, and my stories that I wish I would ever-finish, I try, OH HOW I TRY.

I started out on another one of my plot bunnies a few weeks ago. Here's a snippet:

I looked up, the spotlight shone so bright, I can barely see the individual faces of the audience as they look at me, stuck in the twisted tableau, as I soaked up the attention that came with the strong beam.

My eyes, although trained with numerous discipline classes not to move, couldn’t help but wander about the depths of the audience.

I wasn’t missing anything.

A deep, dark overwhelming sense of...something, something unspeakable, something utterly heart wrenching, something hollow, overtook my being and took me by surprise. I held firm, I held steady.

No one, no one was going to see me fall.

XXX

I might start something with quotes. Maybe at the back of class.

I hope I can carry on, I can't do this without you.

2010-04-28T22:04:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, the stupidest things make me wanna
cry.
And when you ask me if
I were ever to be able to believe you.
I'd lie.
'Cause I understand, that
there are better things in life than
holding on to things that
hold you back.

I'm trailing behind, and you
forget that I've always
been there for you.
You head towards the stars,
and I'm left with
the stardust.

You relieve our memories
alone.
I wish for us to be-
us again.
I float away,
and up like the
black balloon
we saw the other day.

I cherish all the times we had.
I fulfill all the dreams we dreamt.
I hope for the want left unsaid.
I laugh for the jokes untold.
I destroy all the wretched feelings that
refuse to go away.

We used to play with the swings.
you would push me while I
threw my head back.
Of course I understand.
Of course I knew what was coming.
You would never.
ever.
want.
..

我痛的瘋的傷的在你面前哭得最慘

2010-04-25T13:46:00.001+08:00

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

2010-04-23T21:16:00.002+08:00

Once upon a time there was light in my life
Now there's only love in the dark

I'm not confident with the geography test today.
Or with the biology test yesterday.
And I gotta fess up-
I didn't try my best
'cause if I did,
I would have been confident.

GOSH

And I don't have a clue what to do now,
I'm a mess.

I don't really need to look
very much further
I don't wanna have to go
where you don't follow

I'm following you.
You're always there when I need you,
and I PRAISE you.
I love you Lord,
I worship you,
You are my God,
You alone are good.

I need to focus,
not on myself,
but on something
GREATER.

2010-04-22T18:55:00.005+08:00

Earthquakes can't shake us
Cyclones can't break us
Hurricanes can't take away our love

I have no idea, absolutely no idea why in the world something like this, like this, can possibily happen.

No WAY.

Way.

This is injust, but then again, there had never been any justice in the world. Remember the blacks?

I don't know why, but you just feel this sense of this-cannot-be-possibily-happening-to-me-no-way-I-worked-too-hard-for-this-for-it-all-to-turn-out-like-this-I-can't-even-be-happy-about-anything-else-because-my-mind-is-too-clouded-over-by-this.

What would happen if?
Yeah, right.

STOP KIDDING YOURSELF.
It'll never happen.

I've got to shrug myself out of this stupid stupid state of overwhelming brooding over 'cause I have better things to do.

C'mon, please. HELP.

Let me just stop thinking about stupid things and look for myself. I don't need things like that cloud out my focus on God. There are greater things in store for me, and I know that having something like this to obstruct me is useless. Now, lemme get outta here.

I need to move and find another thing to be carefree about. This isn't it. And it ain't working. I have got to. STOP.
- And I just wanna carry on.

2010-04-12T21:51:00.003+08:00

I wanted to write a love quote in class today. It turned out to be a haiku:

Amongst the blooming lilies,
the pastel yellow shone,
the trepidation soothed
-I was in love.

There's another quote that I found. It's a lyric.

别害怕我爱你

and then I realized that there are some things that you just simply can't translate into english.

And that some emotions just simply cannot be translated.

2010-03-30T21:05:00.002+08:00

Credits: http://lizstomania.tumblr.com/page/2

This speaks about the two best things ever.

2010-03-30T19:59:00.003+08:00

They accepted everybody but me.

Can we stop talking about it mom?

Stop rubbing salt into my wounds.

It's been cut deep enough.

I'm a freak,

not in said words.

Imma puke.

I know I'm not the best person to hang out with and everything, but honestly, you could very well aww so sad pick a less heart wrenching topic to converse on, couldn't you. It just seems like I don't know what to do sometimes, because I STOP can't seem to box my feelings in my heart and push it to an 'ole dusty corner like I would have liked to.

HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT

2010-03-20T22:53:00.002+08:00

Thanks GRACE.
But.
ITHINKMYWRITINGISincoherent.
And I try to make it detailed,
but it backfires.
And it's not like,
distinct.
And not well organized.
But then again,
creative writing is not like expository.
So there really isn't a need for planning.
I should really be writing poems,
cause it's not my fault if it's incoherent.
It's yours.

And I need a
plot bunny
soon.'Cause
really.
I need a good,
not-run-off-the-mill,
not-cliché,
totally-original,
of-which-I'm-not-capable-of-thinking-up
kind of story.
And well, yeah.

I need to busy myself with the homework that I don't intend on doing.
I don't know how.
I read the questions.
I just uh.

I busy myself with other things.
That's not good.
I shouldn't be addicted.

Something about the way
You look tonight
Something about the way
That I can't take my eyes off you

2010-03-16T19:47:00.000+08:00

"Oh, really?"

"Yes. Really."

PUTRID

2010-03-15T22:34:00.001+08:00

I would be so much easier if I just gave up.

I'm awfully sorry,
but I don't know
what is easy,
and what is right.

PUTRID.

轰轰烈烈最疯狂 / / 跌跌撞撞到绝望

2010-03-13T21:36:00.002+08:00

I think I'm about to go bonkers from all the anxiety. I need to work. I need to work. Please, please let me work.
Sometimes I don't know what to do,
and at other times,
I know exactly what to do,
my heart, however...
feels otherwise.

最初的天堂最重的荒唐

2010-03-13T00:24:00.002+08:00

I needed to get some writing out, it's not very good, and I guess if I didn't say anything, it would be best. Here. For spurring me on.

B A R R I E R S / / H I S

Click, snap.

I hear the familiar noises of the door snapping back into place. I don’t know.

But I do.

He doesn’t even give me reasons any more. Doesn’t bother to make up nonsensical, almost-to-the-point-of-frustration, unbelievable, sorry-I-need-to-get-a-loaf-of-bread-from-from-the-nearby-grocers, will-be-back-before-you-know-it, kind of barely comforting speeches any more.

As far as I remember, this happened early this morning as well.

The thick mahogany door is not enough to keep all the curiosities that I try as I might to bind within me, out. It serves as a barrier, separating, almost protecting, me, from the world, from him. The swirls of white on navy stretch out from the split ends of my long, stringy hair pieces, reaching towards the block of wood, forcing me, time and again, to go.

Leave.

He was at his study again. His head buried in a book like, like it used to be. She cracks the door and peers at him, the hinges perfectly oiled, and she allows herself in, shutting the door noiselessly behind her.

He looks up at her, eyes shielded. The pools of great depth suddenly feel horribly shallow to her. She used to be able to read him.

He stares at her, and she stares back. It’s

foreign.

She gulps a loud one, and his head drops back down to his volume in one swift motion. A silent tear slips down her gaunt cheek.

She doesn’t feel. An overwhelming sense of helplessness engulfs her, and she cannot breathe. She cannot breathe and she doesn’t feel.

He doesn’t care.

I close my eyes and I recall the empty eyes that used to hold so much hope for me. He looked at me as if I wasn’t there. It wasn’t like he was ignoring me, not on purpose. It was just like I was not where I was.

What happened?

What had happened?

We used to talk like there wasn’t a need to breathe anymore. Now? We breathe and breathe and breathe, like there isn’t a need to talk anymore.

I feel as if I was dragged into a never-ending abyss of sorrow and pain. That, that man hiding behind all that masks that hide the pain, and the books that hide his face, used to be mine.

And me, his.

I am momentarily distraught, and then that moment drags on. It unravels like a red carpet, with blinding flashes of memories sunken and carved into nothingness, and never-ending.

I had to try.

“Hey.”

I muster with a hope-filled smile. I needed him to do something. I needed him to say my name, acknowledge me, tell me that he’s alright. That we’re alright.

I want so, so badly to ask him,

Do you remember me?

Sometimes I let it show, but this rarely happens. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, sometimes,
I’m awakened in the night, by strange cries. But the moment I awake, the cries stop, and I’m left, alone, in the dark quietness of the night, with tear-stained cheeks.

Maybe I’m hallucinating, but sometimes, I hear soft sobs coming from somewhere in the distance as well.

And maybe he remembers me.

Click, snap.

I see the door open, and I stare at the man at the door way. He stares back.

I know, I know, but after all,

I have always been his.

2010-03-07T18:14:00.003+08:00

Undeniable secrets.

Seems as though there's a load off my back after all the tests.
I've been trying to stray away from the cliches but they
seem to find me.
The scrawling of rounded penmanship on pieces of paper seem like so much more work.
But.
I don't know.

I'm a little bit uncomfortable because I've been slacking off this weekend.

At the behind,
even though the streams of sunlight
still beat down on me
I hide behind
and work.

2010-03-04T22:26:00.003+08:00

Just wanna say thanks to Wanzhen for tagging all the time. Appreciate it.

Sometimes things get lost. In all the confusion.

The swirly things that spell out white precitate against the navy background.
I don't know if I've lost it or
it's been taken away from me.

But nevertheless, I should be proud of myself.
I'm too weary to be proud of anything.

It was never supposed to happen like this.
I shouldn't be here.
I'm not who you...

I never should have joined the team.

2010-02-20T15:47:00.003+08:00

GO TEAM VOLDEMORT!

Credits: http://fuckyeahvoldemort.tumblr.com

Let me believe
That you believe in me.

2010-02-20T10:18:00.003+08:00

Oh I miss(h)

you, you know

I'm fine baby

how are you

It's sad sometimes, when we don't get things done. I don't procrastinate.

But sometimes, you know you should be better.

My words were cold and flat,

and you deserve more than that.

2010-02-19T10:33:00.002+08:00

Classic Hollywood Narrative is not as glamourous as I'd thought it would be.
But, it's something new.

You'd think film was interesting.
It is. Just, well. I'd rather not.

The ramblings of Shakespeare did keep me going for quite a while before.

I ain't got nothing else to say though.
But we gotta take not of things not in focus as well.
The shiney lights in the background do make things that little bit more romantic.

We have to make things more subtle.
But I'd didn't know it before.

Shifting of focus.

You blur things out, with motive.

C O N F E S S I O N S

2010-02-13T23:29:00.003+08:00

I'm so, so fascinated.

FASCINATED.

These are my confessions.

And I am fascinated.

That's the word.

FASCINATED.

And it feels like everything I'd never thought it would be.

But, I'm

FASCINATED.

2010-02-09T22:39:00.002+08:00

Life is like a carousel, sometimes you're up, and you hold on real tight and feel your hair fly in the wind, and sometimes you're down, and you brace yourself for what's coming next. But, all in all, you go round and round.

Tests come and go, and all you can do is try your best, and watch as they pass as another one approaches.

So, cheer up, 'cause another test is coming!

'cause when the sky is darkest
you can see the stars
and when you fall the hardest
you find how strong you are

2010-02-01T18:52:00.002+08:00

Have you ever felt so tired you thought you were about to die?
Well, heads up, you're not dead.
Yet.

I got loads and loads of homework today.
But I'm not worried.
Cause homework is just homework.
You stay up late to finish it.
But you'll still get more the next day.
So, why don't you just have a little fun?
Once in a while.

Yeah well.
I have got to start.
With everything.

I will be disciplined.

2010-01-30T23:08:00.002+08:00

You know what?
I know that it's gonna be long.
The longest ever.
But I'll not grow weary.
And I will not back down.
Cause I know that God is by my side.
And I know that it's
not by might, not by power,
BUT THROUGH HIS SPIRIT.
And I know that
even though sometimes it might seem
like I can't
go on anymore.
But when the going gets tough,
the tough gets going.
I'm not going to wallow too much into my own pity,
but instead,
I'll be
COUNTING ON GOD.

2010-01-27T19:47:00.000+08:00

I'm tired, and I'll study after this, I promise.

I'm suddenly infatuated with Blink One Eighty Two.

Okay, I'll go study.

PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY

2010-01-26T20:12:00.003+08:00

Traffic jams are the mann.

I've been taught to talk like that since sitting next to Jiatai.

CHERYL, HERE'S ONE FOR YOU
TOP FEW THINGS I LIKE ABOUT YOU
#1 You like nutella, like me.
#2 I liked sitting next to you those few days we did, until we changed seats.
#3 We still sit quite close now!
#4 I like your handwriting.
#5 We like Jiatai!
#6 We have fun in physics lab as well!
#7 I'm anticipating the next two year in the same class as you!

(P.S. I coloured this post! AWESOME.)

2010-01-25T21:45:00.002+08:00

I think I should look forward to school more.

Cause if I do, then at least, I'll have something to look forward to everyone morning when I wake up. (Not that I don't have anything to look forward to now. Just saying.)

2010-01-24T21:50:00.003+08:00

The rainbows in my side of town are in black and white.

I would like my blog to be isolated,
and quiet.

Did words in church today!
And guess what?
It was in the Sanctuary!
Which means it's for the contemporary service!
Which is like (almost) the main service!
Isn't that awesome?

But it's just so so much more particular than the usual youth service.
Like all the commas have to be right,
and every line has to begin with a capital letter.
And even Josh came around to return me my JWAR book and he looked at the computer screen and he was like
'Woah, so anal.'

Well, yeah. So anal.

But I did a good job!
And it's not only me saying it.
(I know what you're thinking.)

And before the sermon, they were like 'advertising' for the Filipino Fellowship or something, and I was really touched by the testimonies shared.

Like really.

All she said was that the fellowship changed her life.
But somehow, I could feel that it really did.
I'm proud of her.
(Even though I don't know her.)

Awesome.

Maybe I could join that fellowship?
(Even though I'm not exactly Filipino.)

And there's somethig bugging me (again).
Uh.
So I've to think about it. And stuff.
Hope it turns out well.

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world.

2010-01-23T13:15:00.004+08:00

Civilisation is bad.
(This is my thesis.)

Phones are too troublesome.
(This is my subthesis.)
They make everything so much more confusing.
(This is unnecessary.)
You have to decide of on a phone which suits you best.
(This is a fact.)
But after making your decision, you realize that you have many more choices to choose from.
(I don't know what this is.)

I should stop using phones.
(This is my subthesis one point one.)
They aren't really much of a help anyway.
(This is an assumption.)
I have better things to do with my time.
(This is a lie.)

I will start using conches from now onwards.
(This is my subthesis two point one.)
They are cheaper than handphones.
(This is a statement.)
You could get them for free along the seaside.
(This is my evidence to support my statement.)

Also, you don't have to get other people's numbers, because you could just blow into it and the other person can hear it. (Along with everyone else.)
(This is my subthesis two point two, along with a parenthesis.)
Thus, a conch is much more convenient.
(This is my conclusion of my subthesis two point two.)

And, when you want to listen to music, you could just place the conch next to your ear and listen to the sound of the waves.
(This is an additional note outside of my subthesises.)

Thus, tonight, when I'm finally going to get my phone, I'm going to present the people at the counter and my parents my thesis on how bad the civilisation is.

2010-01-22T23:10:00.002+08:00

I'm going bonkers.
I'm going bonkers.
I'm going bonkers.
I'm going bonkers.
I'm going bonkers.
I'm going bonkers.
I'm going bonkers.
I'm going bonkers.
I'm going bonkers.

I really am. I try to keep my emotions all intact, and like close to me, but honestly.
(Sometimes I can't help it.)
(And sometimes I feel really bad.)

The apprehension that once mounted in me?
(G.O.N.E.)

That's good, no doubt about it. But I can't help but wonder, when will it come back? If, it will even come back? I don't know.
(I truly don't.)

And I've realized that you should assume too much of people, especially those that you don't really know that well.
(Even though the same applies to those that you know very, very well.)

Tres, tres absurd.
(Yes, like chemistry.)
(But I will ace it this year.)
(I will.)
(I promise.)

And gosh.
I do hope this happy, peaceful feeling stays.

(Otherwise, what would I do?)

I can sense it.
The imminent thundering of hippopotamuses and elephants headed straight for me.
I have no where to run.
(But stand still like
A Deer In The Headlights.)
(And hope that they don't do so much as touch me.)

Are you serious?

2010-01-19T20:45:00.003+08:00

I don't care what you say.
I don't

(Okay, I do.)

What am I going to do? This overwhelming sense of apprehension brewing up in the inside of me is becoming quite unbearable.

I hate it. I know what I used to say, and everything, but you can't possibly expect me to stay the same, can you?

People change.

I used to like change.

And I used to like challenges. I used to think that they were good for me.

(I still know that they do.)

I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I just want it all to stop. To pause. And that I knew what was really good for me.

Not this sharp claws tearing me apart rip by small rip inside of me.

I know I ain't coherent.
I can't help it.

I can't write well now. It's not good.

Simple was never quite enough for me, you know? I've wanted more.

Settling was never an option.

I have frustration that's kept floating within me. And worry. I know I'm not supposed to worry, but I can't help it. I'm so, so...

Uh.

I can't continue. Especially not like this.

What am I going to do? Maybe we'll stay. Staying stagnated doesn't sound so bad.

I need clarity. And wisdom. I told Sam last year.

Don't let all the shiney things all around you distract you for what's real and true and important.

Really important.

2010-01-18T20:12:00.001+08:00

I know that I say that I feel like puking all the time.
But this time, I mean it.

2010-01-18T16:51:00.002+08:00

Others like to tell me secrets.

Me? Not so much.

I was pondering and mulling over something on the bus today. I guess it was just a little something that God gave me to think about. It was bothering me.

And then.

I had the utmost, utmost sense of clarity. I just got suddenly so straightened out, like there wasn't a shred of doubt in my mind. Everything was just suddenly so obvious, and I don't know why, but I was so, so sure of myself.

I hope this doesn't disappear just as fast as it came to me.

I don't want doubt again.

I pray for clarity.

I don't really have much choice in this, because I know that it has all been taken care of for me, but I just can't help feeling worried about it, and I just can't help wanting everything to go back to what it once was.

But then again, I remember something I heard today. That so many people want to improve, but yet they are so resistant to change. Why should I be like them? I should be different.

I am different.

And it also brings me back to what Nicholas said in cell yesterday. We should cast ourselves (in reckless abandon, or whatnot) to God. Cast our cares unto him, and I should have to worry about a thing. Then, why again am I worrying now?

(I meant for this to be an inspirational and enlightening post. Look at what's happening now.)
(This is morbid.)

I need to get some awakening here. Wisdom and clarity of the mind. And maybe some reassurance. And some peace.

I promise to sleep early tonight.
I promise!
Just please give me the strength to carry on.
Please.

On another matter.

Why are you putting me down? I feel so, so, so, SO bad. I know that I'm not good enough. I've always known that. And maybe I'm trying. I'm trying.

Are you okay?

Also.
Thanks.
I'm comfortable. (And scared.)
But thanks. I appreciate it.

JWAR

2010-01-17T19:37:00.002+08:00

Oh happy day, happy day.
You wash my fears away.

I am really really anticipating JWAR. And I have loads and loads of confidence in it. I CAN'T WAIT.

Went to The Fullerton yesterday for my sister's birthday tradition thing. Now, I'm trying to figure out where I should go. I suggested two places for my birthday, but they got turned down. Ohwels, but I'd have to admit, I was a tad too unreasonable in wanting a trip to Mars.

Just a tad.

And then I went for Melissa's birthday. HA, HA! I had really so much fun there. There was such a manifestation of memories that we had, and there wasn't awkwardness, even with the guys and stuff. We were all just so at ease. But now, I guess it's appropriate to say that

It's too late.

Hope I don't get this again.

Then today, went for the sermon sleepy-deepy for JWAR. I was half dead, but I was really enlightened by Nicholas' sharing during cell. Yeah. We should put God in the center of cell and our lives. All the goals, it's all because of Him. All that talking about casting ourselves unto Him, like a fisherman casting his fishing net in the sea, with reckless abandon. It's just so, right.

I have a plan for tomorrow. Pray that it works out.

They just kept repeating Matthew Chapter Five today. I did that for QT about two days ago, and I just really connected to that. Maybe He was speaking to me.

And the sharing about the transformers dream. That although you maybe just a tiny little unnoticeable car in the vast desert of nothingness. But ALWAYS KNOW that you were meant for so much more and God has a plan for you, even if (or especially if) things don't go your way. He has greater things for you. More that you can even fathom. I must remember that. He is mighty to save.

Want.

2010-01-15T23:58:00.004+08:00

So I've been thinking that
Maybe, baby.
I've been going a little
crazy, lately.
Yeah, whatcha gonna do.
And Chelsea baby, I can't get you out of my head.

I feel like puking.

Ten Things

2010-01-14T19:17:00.004+08:00

TEN THINGS I LIKE ABOUT HUIHSIEN&EDWARDCULLEN
i shall dedicate a ratio of 8:2 for the couple.
1. edward always siphon away my stationery and chair. (ahem. behave!)
2. he's a nice person to stick your arm in. (or gesture to)
3. huihsien is into PRIVATE.
4. we share similar tastes in books.
5. she's really nice and lent me her unopened Breakfast At Tiffany's (thank you thank you (: )
6. she likes
brangelina!
7. likes the same TV shows as much as i do. (betty betty)
8. we think NPH IS hawt. (neilpatrickharris)
9. she supports NATE-BLAIR.
10. uh, LOSER part? O: hahaha (i ran out of things to write. sorrry)

Wanzhen wrote that haha. I like her too. Here's some of the reasons.

Alot Of Things I Like About Wanzhen
#! She nice when I call her stupid things. I don't really mean them though. Sorry.
#@ Medically speaking, you're adorable. (Risque By Cute Is What We Aim For(My new favourite song))
## She has the best taste in the world. (Which is similar to mine)
#$ Deep down in her heart, she knows that BLAIR-NATE is the one, and CHAIR is absolutely nothing.
#% She goes to recess with me and Si Qi even though she doesn't (want to nor does she) eat anything.
#^ She always picks up her cell when I call (cause I never do).
#& Two words, uh-GLEE
#* I would like to join the amazing race with her.
#( (I think that) I'm the only one who can (or ever has) made her cry and laugh all at the same time. (Remember that lab lesson?)
#!) In flag raising, and assembly, we do cute stuff.
(THIS PART IS WRITTEN BY EDWARD.) I didn't want him to say anything, really, but he insisted.
#!@ I can always count on her when I forget my pencilcase. She ALWAYS has extras for me.
#!# She sings way out of tune sometimes, (and won't admit it), here comes the sun, here comes the sun.
#!$ I used to like reading her blog secretly.
#!% She has more money sense than my dear huihsien here.
#!^ She tries to be nice.
#!& She touches my tummy way too much for my liking.

There. From me and edward.

I like heartbeat by stereo skyline. And Risque by Cute Is What We Aim For. Go, listen to it.

2010-01-09T11:40:00.003+08:00

Maybe you could...

I feel pleasant.

I am no prince,
I am no saint,
I am not anyone's wildest dream,
But I can stand behind
And be someone to fall back on.

2010-01-08T20:24:00.001+08:00

2010-01-07T19:16:00.003+08:00

I wish that Nicholas Sparks were capable of writing happy endings.

The insisent ramblings of my inner being,
a fracture and a
crack.

2010-01-03T21:07:00.001+08:00

2010 is going to be awesomefantastic.
2010 is going to be awesomefantastic.
2010 is going to be awesomefantastic.
2010 is going to be awesomefantastic.
2010 is going to be awesomefantastic.
2010 is going to be awesomefantastic.
2010 is going to be awesomefantastic.
2010 is going to be awesomefantastic.
2010 is going to be awesomefantastic.

There. I said it,
It'd better be.

2010-01-02T16:33:00.000+08:00

Took from lehcar.

2010-01-02T15:45:00.002+08:00

Don't rain on my parade.
Am I supposed to feel sorry for you? Is that your ultimate motive? Because it's backfiring. Because, instead, I just want nothing more to do with you. Do you really think that you're the best? Do you really want that sympathy that you think you might get just because you're whatever you are? Because that's just sick. That's sick. And nothing you can do will change my mind, and if I wanted to change my mind, it would have been changed a long time ago.
I sucked it up you know. (of course you don't) I was the one who apologised to you first and you were the one who shouted back at me. All you care about is you.
I learnt something today, to take yourself out of the equation, then will things start to happen.
You think you're better than me, but I know better than you. I know not to do what you're doing, because it's wrong, and your the one that's supposed to guide me.
What.
And although I have loads more to say to you, I'll stop.

Because I know better.

2009-12-31T16:56:00.001+08:00

All I ever wanted was to turn fifteen,\\

can we pull through this avalanche

2009-12-31T15:30:00.002+08:00

I will pull through.
T minus eight hours until 2010!
And you'll never know what might happen, cause that's just the beauty of it!
You hold your breath, but you realize that that's cliche and that you are going to suffocate soon, so you let it out.
I'm going to grow.
Change, can't always be for the better.
But when it isn't, that's when you have to adapt.
And then the cycle starts all over again.

2009-12-30T20:46:00.002+08:00

hellowellos. The next year is coming and I have yet to come up with a definite new year's resolution. I want to save money though. I know that. And I want to be patient. So. Watchnight's tomorrow. We're going to have a b2s1 dinner before that.
ANtiCIpaTION.

2009-12-15T10:39:00.002+08:00

Hmm. Do you like flying SQ? I do. I really really do. Like I really can't believe that I'm not flying SQ this time. Uh. I wonder what it would be like.
I wonder what it would all be like.
And maybe it'll turn out good? Kinda like I'm doing the opposite of counting your chickens before they hatch kinda thing, but I don't really have good impressions of other aeroplanes. Oh, and I'm really happy today because its the day that I finish reading the entire bible. Yeah, cause at the start of the year I promised that I would finish the bible in a year, and I finished it in less! Yeah.
And my maid's going back to visit her family today. I'd bet she's excited.
Tomorrow I'm flying off as well. Yeah, I'm not as excited as I should be cause we're not taking SQ. Uh.
Someday we'll know why Sampson loved Delilah
I'm coming back a couple of days before Christmas, so yeah. Get my homework done and stuff. Pack up and be mentally prepared for school. Yeah.
BRACE YOURSELF.

2009-12-03T22:19:00.002+08:00

Give Us Clean Hands
Give Us Pure Hearts

I didn't realize how difficult it was. And, well, now I do. I'm sorry. I wish I wasn't so, so selfish and locked up all in my head. Please, help me.
I promise. I really do. Eze 37:1-14
I'm not going to make all that you've done, for me, for the entire world, and for all the sins, go to waste. I'm going to live my life for you. And I know that sometimes I might fail. I know I can get disappointed. And discouraged. But you're and will always be there for me. You will not forsake me. I have to get that in my head.
I have to know that when I fail, its not because of anything else but because you have a better plan for me and my life.
And I know that it won't be easy. I will have lots and lots of obstacles, but you will always be there for me. I know that you will be there to save the day.
I love you. I cast down my idols.
Seeks your face.
You will be there for me and you have a wonderful plan for my life, and even though I don't know it all, I don't need to. You're my torchlight.
A generation that seeks.
I was the passion. I want the hunger. I want to breathe you. In and out, in and out. I want you.
I need you.

2009-11-25T15:49:00.002+08:00

You start on a fresh, new page. You don't understand, you don't know why. You just can't seem to be able to write what you feel so vividly, so real and so raw forcing itself right out of you. You can't wait to just have it down, real and not let it escape, but yet you can't find the words. You stop for a moment, and try to push something, ANYTHING, out for the bellows of your stomach, but yet it just seals itself back up. You sit and wait.
You sit and wait for a miracle, yet, you give up before anything happens.
Please, let SOMETHING happen.
PLEASE.
You're just so, so.. Uh. You curl up your fingers and store them underneath your palms, for that instant.
Suddenly, you feel so empowered. Even as you uncurl them, and let them brush, ever so forcefully against the buttons of the keyboard, pressing down one or two of the keys. You know that you can write.
The feelings locked up inside of you are just waitinjg, waiting for the chance to just burst through those evasive, yet so, so real, unmistakeable boundaries.

2009-11-22T21:59:00.000+08:00

2009-11-21T14:43:00.002+08:00

It's going to be alright, and no matter how many people say that that's a lie, it's not. And you know it. Maybe I'm using this to console myself, but it's not working anyway. I don't like things fanciful, and you know that I've always wanted something. Something else, that is.
I'll still have to bear with it, so whats the point, really.
It's been raining these past few days, and its wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. I love the raining. I think everyone looks stunning in the rain. And even if they're crying, you won't be able to tell anyway. Yeah, so I was walking back from parkway yesterday, and I just refused to use the umbrella. Why stay dry (or semi-dry, cause we all know that umbrella don't really work), when you can just enjoy the water?

2009-11-14T10:20:00.007+08:00

Fine. She deserves it anyway. Give it to her, and throw me to a dark and empty corner (that has a full view of what's going on) and let me suffer in silence. She didn't work hard (like I did). There's no way she could have gotten those results (unless...). I don't understand why she could have achieved it so easily (but I suspect that she...). I know that life's unfair (but why can't it ever be unfair in my favour?).
And guess what. She's gonna get everything she's ever wanted (and there's nothing ever left for me). It doesn't make it okay for her to get everything she (wants) just because I have what I (need). She's better than me (but you needn't have to smack that in my face). But I'm not going to back down (because I deserve it more than she does). It may not be rightfully mine (but then again, it's not rightfully hers either).
Maybe she has got it in her (and I don't).

They recycled their paper,
Their cans and their plastic,
transforming old junk
into something fantastic!

2009-11-10T21:52:00.004+08:00

Well. I'm really tired right now. I spent the entire afternoon with Tyne exercising in the East Coast. We ran a little bit then skated a while and stuff, then we had dinner at the Hong Kong restaurant.

I had some stuff to write about, but unless I really try really hard, it probably wouldn't sound so good. The holidays are starting and the year's ending. I feel nothing. I wish I had nothing to worry about. I wish I was spontaneous. I wish I could live in the moment.

I realized something today when I went for dinner today. It was heartening. Happy, and at ease.

I want to just live and let live. I want to have fun. I want the pressing motion in my head to stop itself and for my head to stop throbbing.

And she was, happy.

Attack of the Grape Slushies

2009-11-05T19:40:00.004+08:00

It's been a week for me. A week full of bracing myself for the worst. A week of hoping and then being disappointed. A week of failures, foetal positions and forced numbing. I can take some more. I know I can. There has to be more to come, I'm sure of it. Those things just seem to happen to me. I'm not prepared, but I have to be. I have to expect it, and hold my breath until I feel it smash against my face like a grape slushie and slop downwards. Until I can breathe. And then, I wait for another attack. I don't know what to do to help it, or even if I can. It just seems as though there's always a person in the world living so that all the bad things can happen to them, so that the rest of the good things can happen to everyone else, and I'm just that person. I'm that stupid peanut M&M in a pack of milk ones, the one that no one wants, the one that just seems to be there just for the sake of it, and it's justified that it's ignored, it's taken for granted that it's there. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I feel like puking. I want to forget it. So badly. Pretend that nothing ever happened and all as it was supposed to be. But as I get fuller and fuller, and my the food in my unfinished bowl gets more and more each time, I don't feel gratified, I don't feel better, and I slunk.

Slunk [verb]- wallowing in self pity, because you genuinely feel bad about yourself. 'Bob had lost his job. He tried every means to cheer himself up but he just seemed to slunk.' Slunker, Slunking.

I'm very much prepared.

So what if it hurts me
So what if I break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
I just want to be
Happy

2009-10-30T19:45:00.002+08:00

Slight uncertainty
threatens to push me further
stale, scratchy disgust

pink
camera flashing with rolls
of unravelling disney

stuck in an open
fairy dust
tree hole

bangs
like the beginning
of the rest of your life

2009-10-24T21:17:00.001+08:00

Name: Hui Hsien

Date: 10/24/2009

Colorgenics Number: 43516072

Your mind is never at rest.You are continually striving to influence all those about you. You have some excellent ideas but you persist in trying to persuade others just how great your ideas really are. Maybe you are trying too hard. Take it easy - remember, 'Everything comes to those who wait'.

You need an atmosphere of peace and quiet and you would like to share a bond of understanding with the 'right person' - you have the belief that with the right person, your stress and anxiety could be minimised.

You are prepared to establish a particular relationship that is being made available to you at this time. It could be a satisfactory liaison but there could be a certain amount of conflict involved -try to avoid direct confrontation at all costs.

Unacceptable restrictions have been forced upon you and this is resulting in severe frustration and stress. You are looking for independence and consequently you shy away from any restriction and avoid obligations of anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressure and want to escape from it so that you can obtain what you need, but unfortunately at this particular moment in time you lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this.

The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions are really beyond your capabilities. This has resulted in experiencing considerable anxiety and stress. You are looking for confirmation from your nearest and dearest that you have the ability and strength to fulfil all of your needs and to be completely self-sufficient.When matters don't go right for you - you tend to become inhibited and blame others for your inadequacy. You feel that there must be a way out from all the trials and tribulations that you have been experiencing of late and you are right - there is a solution - so don't give in, keep searching.

I took it cause I saw Wan Zhen doing it. It's quite accurate. It's in goldinuniverse.com/

By the way, I know I kinda of owe you some pictures, so I'm going to post them soon.

Amusement Ride Edition

2009-10-22T20:24:00.005+08:00

Only Criteria for Riding Rollercoasters

Ride with people that aren't scared/
Or you might as well ride it yourself (if everyone else is like, terrified, cause it'll just spoil the entire thing)
And make sure, if it's like way up high, that it's not open air (cause it's scary when you look straight and you can see miles and miles away, and you realise how high you really are, but when it's high up but it's indoors and you can't see anything but black and darkness (and sometimes colourful lights, depending on the ride), you don't get that scared, but at the same time, you still {feel that adrenaline pumping through your veins} when you like go up and down and stuff.)

Only Criteria for Sitting on Ferris Wheels

Make sure it's windy (cause when it's windy, you're little carriage like swings about, and it really, like, rocks. Not rocks rocks, but rocks. Like rock-a-bye-baby, on-the-tree-top, that kind of rocks. And you hold on to the railings or whatever. You're so scared that it might drop (but in the back of your mind, you know it won't) and it's so super fun. You look down and it's so {ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL} and you feel a little bit scared but you won't let it get to you cause you know it's an [EXPERIENCE]. You feel the wind in your hair (even if you're, like, a guy, cause you're so high up that even if it's a little bit windy on the ground, it's almost blow-your-hat-off kind of windy up in the ferris wheel, and even guys feel it). It just makes you feel really relaxed and good.)
It really, honestly doesn't matter if you're by yourself (cause you get some time up there to look at the view and to actually think, or even just sit there by yourself and enjoy the experience, it really doesn't matter. You won't really miss them, honestly, and maybe, if you'd like, you could try to spot them on the ground, and go HEY! THERE'S RUOTING! or whatever to yourself.)
If you're by your friends, don't go with too many, and make sure that they aren't those rowdy ones, but those that know when to enjoy the experience when it's here (CAUSE IT'S AN EXPERIENCE, honestly, and you just want to make small talk and not have like huge laugh-abouts on the ferris wheel, for two reasons, one, you'll miss the experience, and two, you'll rock the carriage)

But, you know something, the real only criteria for everything is, just to have fun.

2009-10-05T22:05:00.001+08:00

-just 'cause I die when you're gone

2009-10-05T21:25:00.000+08:00

'Cause when the sky's darkest
You can see the stars
And when you fall the hardest
You find how strong you are

2009-09-30T12:31:00.000+08:00

There is no need to PANIC.

Live

2009-09-28T20:10:00.003+08:00

Every moment, I die a little bit more inside.
Every moment, I feel,
and try to pretend,
that I'm alive.
And I'm flouncing about.
Dizzy as ever.
And I'm trying, trying to follow the flashlight leading me.
But I think you need to recharge the
batteries
or something,
'cause the light is getting fainter and dimmer
(or maybe I'm just getting distracted).

2009-09-24T20:04:00.003+08:00

It was something that I thought was good. Going really really really good. But you just had to smack me right and face and show me what I was doing. That I wasn't really facing reality and I was running away from it. In the other direction. In the direction that would indefinitely lead me to my doom if it weren't for you. I just want to say a {THANKYOU} and I'll really try my best to change. Things went really different for me today. I did things your way. I did things the way you would want me to do. And even though it wasn't perfect, and I would have wanted things to go better, way better. I get what I get and I take what I can get, right? It's honestly lots better than what I would have done and I really am happy. I'm satisfied and I'm sure you're happy for me too. I did this for you, all the way. It took alot but it was worth it. It was all for you, every single little last bit of it. None for me, all for {YOUYOUYOU}.Thankyou God and B2S1.

I don't usually make lists (actually I do, but I just don't post them publicly), but here.

TOP TEN SEPTEMBERISH-OCTOBERISH THINGS
#1 Coming up with a exam-study timetable schedule thing (which I stuck to minimally)
#2 Found that magazines aren't a good source of entertainment
#3 Tried to stop blogging but decided not to
#4 Went out loads
#5 Really tried to study
#6gotdisappointed
#7 Successfully managed to stop watching shows on youtube
#8 Found that I'm actually really really stupid
#9 Cried and tried to stop from
#10 STUDY AND BE SATISFIED WITH MY results.

2009-09-21T19:37:00.004+08:00

You make it hard for breathing. Existence is undermined, especially mine. And condescention is very much not not unappreciated. It's not something I want to go to and touch on, so we'll just have to move on to another, cause I don't like it like that. Let's just forget about it, shall we? Doubting your capabilities is a frequent sight, but I shan't go into that either. The question is something you don't want an answer to, but nevertheless, just pretending and sucking it up goes really very well with everything. Another thing is, we often associate happiness with smiling and sorts, well, it's just. Well. Uh. I don't like to confront things, especially not things that I don't like. Things tend to get PRETTY UGLY. Maybe possibly you make me aware of everything I say and do.
I'm sick. Like honestly. Might not be able to go to school tomorrow. PSALMS 91.

2009-09-11T19:18:00.005+08:00

I took it from facebook cause I want to take a quiz but I just couldn't find one.

Is there someone you'd wait forever for?

-->'course there is.

Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset with them?

-->Yeah, I guess, but depends on whether they ignore me and who they are.

Is it hard to make you smile?

--> Depends on who you are.

Are you starting to realize anything?

-->That I'm skipping my dinner time but I'm not hungry? Yeah.

Do you feel like there's something missing in your life?

-->Used to. Still do a little, but it isn't that bad now.

Do you like to text a lot? If so, on average, about how many do you think you send in a day?

-->Not really. I like to spam though.

Will this weekend be a good one?

-->Sure, I mean I'm meeting Jo and Pwen, and that's cool.

Who was the last person you took a picture with?

-->HERM, Mindy and Yurong, in nicholas' house yesterday, in front of his amah's mirror.

Would you go back and change any part of your life?

-->Nope. I don't like it the way it is, but I've gone this far because of the things I've done that have pushed me forward.

Do you often feel like you're becoming someone you don't want to be?

-->No comment.

Do you believe what comes around goes around?

-->Sometimes, but I don't really know.

Do you miss the way things used to be?

-->Sometimes, when things get bad. And I feel like the world's crashing down on me.

Anything you're excited for?

-->Sunday, but then again, I'm always excited for Sunday.

What is bothering you right now?

-->The fact that I have homework and I'm not doing it. I have tons to do and I'm not doing it. And I promised myself that I wouldn't blog until End Of Years are over but I'm still doing it.

Who is the last person you received a call from?

-->Yurong, seven thirty in the morning, because of the lack of a laptop.

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word, drama?

-->EDS, and that leads to the four scripts I have to memorise, two of which I've already memorised but forgot most of my lines, and two of which I've kinda lost my script.

Do you think relationships are hard?

-->Yes, but non-existent ones are harder.

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to?

-->Maybe, but whatever.

What was the last thing you laughed really hard at?

-->I don't remember. Tuesday at swensens', and I had sugar rush, and we were like talking about Ray riding on a cobra.

Do you get annoyed when you see someone you don't like?

-->Yeah, I mean, it's not like I show it or anything, but yeah.

When's the last time you cried?

-->Last friday night, at about nine.

What were you doing at 7am?

-->Just waking up.

Is there anything that you are craving for right now?

-->Super spicy instant noodles.

Do you clean when you’re upset?

-->I tidy, but not clean. Either that or I mess things up.

Who was your last text to?

--> Mass text, BORING.

Would you ever dye your hair blonde?

-->Over my dead body.

Do you know anyone who is pregnant?

-->EVERONE GAVE BIRTH ALREADY. Uhh, I mean, Ms Kheng, Mrs Toh, and even Esther!

Tea or Coffee?

-->Both. LOVELY.

What is the last thing someone bought you?

--> a notebook. I have a notebook fetish.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

--> Used to. Hah, but not now though.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

-->Yurong. When I was doing a timed moodle quiz, uh.

How did you get your last bruise?

-->I hammered myself.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?

-->Church camp.

What do the majority of people in your life call you?

-->My name. What do I call the majority of people in my life? Loser./ Right Mindy?/Right WanZhen?

Ever been kicked in the head, or kicked someone in the head?

-->Slapped yes, kicked? Nope.

Was the first person you talked to today male or female?

-->Female. That I know of, anyways.

Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning?

--> Both, I like water.

Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

-->Nope, I don't like lip rings

Who will you be with this Saturday night?

--> My sisters, I guess. They have huge plans to stay home and watch Cody Banks.

Do you like going to pet stores just to look at all the animals?

-->NO, EW. Sarah L will know that very well.

Do you like to know the truth, no matter what?

-->No, but I don't like to be lied to.

Do you smoke weed regularly?

-->Nope.

Do you like to wear sweatpants?

--> Nope. Used to, but the weather got too hot.

Last thing you had belonging to someone?

--> Tyne's "A Place Called Here"- took ages to finish it, but it's not bad.

Do you miss your past?

-->Sometimes.

Honestly, who was the last one to see you in your underwear?

-->You don't have to know that.

I bet when you were younger, you watched The Big Comfy Couch and attempted the Clock exercise?

--> Huh?

Do any memories that seem stupid now?

--> Nah.

Could you cry right now?

-->Yep, sure, gimme a minute.

Would you rather go to a basketball game or a football game?

--> Football, duh.

Would you rather have big or small dogs?

--> No dogs. They are way too tiring. And time consuming, and I'll feel too bad when they go..

2009-09-08T19:53:00.001+08:00

I think we're almost LEGENDARY.